“What is reality”?

What is it?

Is the reality of outward existence the sum of an intricate mechanism of the cosmos?

Is the reality we perceive just a hallucination, a hypnotic state, formed by the neurological systems of our mind?

Is reality the artistic working of a brilliant mind, or minds? What is a mind?

Could reality be a hoax like the realities created by Darren Brown? Who is Darren Brown?

The answer is yes.

Reality bends to the will of its creator.

You are the creator. We are creators of worlds.

Have you ever thought about your being as a quantum existence?

What happens when you go to sleep and never wake up?

Or, as Alan Watts puts it, “To have woken up and never have gone to sleep”.

Have you ever pondered what quantum implications your being has created, or will create, just simply by existing?

Try it. It is a next level of anxiety. Haha!

Of course, you will eventually come to the conclusion that ultimately, there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it. Which comes as a relief.

So now that you know this, what are you going to do about it? Haha!

You see, when you are born, and take that first breath, you are forced into a perpetual motion which accelerates without hesitation, and you have no control of it whatsoever!

So, what is reality? It is unspeakable.

Reality has not happened yet.

“What is the truth”?

Who is asking?

You are.

I am skeptical of any existence that is outside of my immediate connection of the objective reality.

I believe everyone carries around with them, a piece of the truth.

Now, how does one find the whole, pure truth?

You might say, well, science is about proving the truth.

Who is to say that only that of which we perceive as humans can be true?

Well, now you might say religion aims to answer this more abstract truth.

But this here brings me back to being skeptical. I cannot accept religion for more than just a version of the truth.

So how does one find the whole, pure truth?

One cannot find the truth alone, for all of us carry the truth, and only together will we find it.

The fog in my mind has left me confused, torn, and lost within myself.

It’s like a glazed pain of solitude within my mind itself. Not a physical pain, or hurt, but a numbness. Emptiness where only true emotion once lived, and loved.

Definitely not as strong as I once was. I was somewhat of a warrior of emotion, and poet of other worlds. I could flow with the air around me, and breathe throughout the Earth beneath my feet.

I’ve reached a point in my life where my soul has become damaged, withered by life, and time. My soul has lost its strength to oversee my mind. My mind that is torn by the dualities of my very nature.

I know that I will pull through. I know because I will. The same time that has maimed my soul, will be the same time that heals.

This cloud of poison will release from my mind, and once again, my vision will return.

Keep your sight true, and your vision clear.

Silence is a Vacuum Cleaner

One way I seem to differ from most people is my enjoyment of silence.

Silence is somewhat of a luxury, as I “see” it.

Most people I know try to avoid silence at all costs. It’s easy to do with quick access to music and media these days.

Most of the time you see people with ear buds in, listening to God knows what.

The majority of people do it as second nature, especially when out for a jog, cycle, or walk.

For me it has always been welcome. Silence has always been soothing.

I have sensitive ears, or sensitive senses in general, I believe.

I’ve also realized that some people do not get the luxury of silence, even if they want it.

It’s a busy world, and noise is everywhere.

Most public places try desperately to avoid silence, with background music virtually playing everywhere.

If you are lucky enough to get out, traffic does a good job of filling in, or the sound of children at home.

I’ve come to adore my silence. It is one of the little things in life I try not to take for granted as it may not always be so easy to obtain.

For a married with kids life would certainly make silence more difficult to find.

When I come home from work, it is the first thing I notice. I’m thankful for it.

For some, I’m sure vacuuming the house is as close to silence they could possibly get.

Cheers to the nights sky, stars, and silent moon.

JOAW – MAY 7/11

There was no answer at the ranch. I set the phone down on the bed, and turned to watch Shea playing on the bed with Felix. She had him wrestled into a position forcing him to submit. I leaned back in my chair and admired Shea’s face. Her bright green eyes, her smile that could make anyone smile, and her long, blonde hair draped over her shoulders. She looked up at me and caught me dazed in a trance over her. She giggled and rolled off the bed, slowly crawling towards me on her hands and knees. Her long, natured hair covering most of her face, and a sinister grin. She put her hands on my knees and pulled herself up to make eye contact with me. She came in real close, her nose radiating heat onto mine. She stared into my eyes and smiled. She giggled again, taking her hands off my knees and slowly sliding them up my chest, onto my shoulders.

She whispered in my ear, “It’s your turn”.

She picked me up and tossed me on the bed, no effort required. Straddled on top of me, her fingers digging into my chest, I stared deeply into her eyes and said, “Is that so? You think I’m going to let you win that easy, huh”?

Before she could even open her mouth, I had her on her back with her arms above her head, holding her by her wrists.

“You seem surprised”, I chuckled.

“You’re getting faster”, she said innocently.

“Who were you calling there”?

“The ranch, nobody answered”.

“Really”? Her voice jumped with excitement.

“Does that mean we can spend the night there”?

“Yeah, or even the whole weekend”, I suggested.

“Well, it is our last full moon together until I have to go back with the others for a while”. She smirked, then her expression dimmed, and became wary.

“Don’t you be getting all sappy with me”, I pouted as I ticked her ribs.

She went ecstatic and bucked me right off the bed. I landed flat on my back on the floor and instantaneously appeared in the same position I just had her in.

She grinned, “Psshhh, who’s getting sappy”?

“I’m just going to miss you, is all”.

The next couple of hours were filled by messy, destructive, wild, but passionately human love and sex.

I remembered laying in bed with her in my arms, her head on my chest, listening to my heartbeat. I could feel her breath across my skin as it got cooler, until I could see it evaporating into the air. The moon beamed through the window, across our silverish skin. She looked up at me and said with her wide eyes, silver halos forming around her iris,

“We will see each other again, right”? She seemed concerned.

We’ve done this hundreds of times, and now I am unsure why she is insecure of our future.

“You’re the reason I put up with this life. Nothing stands in the way of me getting back to you”.

“You’re a shithead”, she sounded annoyed.

I laughed. “Real soon we’re going to forget about what has happened, but you have to promise yourself that you will try to remember”.

A genuine smile appeared on her face, and that’s where my memory fades.

I must have blacked out that time, as we began to turn and lose control.

I remember waking up the next morning, covered in blood, laying on my bed. I looked over, foolishly, hoping that by some sort of miracle, she would be laying next to me. I knew it would be impossible.

I layed there for a couple minutes, trying to recall the memories from the night before. All I could see was that smile on her face. I kept it in my mind as I closed my eyes and let myself drift away into a deep sleep.

“I’ll see you in my dreams”, I said as the dream world swept me away.

Your deep roots find home

In the garden of my mind

Like a twisted willow of dreams

A valley of fresh, spring streams

I drink deep from within your earthly flowers

As they sprout across my skin

The sun is smiling upon the landscape

As it transforms in front of my eyes

I feel your seraphim fingers massaging the crackling soil of my mind

The memories and moments bending, blending

My heart will rest no more

Victory Over Time

My shadow lights the darkness of my past

As what was then, becomes what is now, my future is unknown

The void of my lost soul grows smaller

My mind can see the light

The veins in my body are warm

And clean the poison from my mind

Like a lake of crystal glass,

I am free

The bones I held onto turn to dust

Revealing my earthen hands

There’s no time for this dimension

No telling how long it will last

Forever will be here someday

For now I will sip it slowly,

the glass I drink from is sweet

Like a victory over time

I wake up every morning, my eyes opening up to an artificial light meant to simulate the once organic sun. I raise my life-like hands up to my face, the synthetic skin, so real to the eye. The skin, so soft, merely a carapace to hide the vein like tubes and wires clinging around the cold, hard, metal structure that is now my body. My mind, my thoughts, my dreams are mine. Real, but dead. Recovered, digitally from a man, a life that was once mine. I am no longer alive, rather restored. My once lived memories, thoughts, and dreams all an algorithm of 1 and 0.

We are in a world where there is no air to breathe, no food to eat, no water to drink. There is no sunrise, no sunset. No moonlight, no fireflies, no morning doves. We, humanity, were forced from Earth. From life. We finally let the greed, hate, and ignorance destroy all that we love.

Forced from the life we knew, we were rebuilt. As what we once were, and what we once had, we rebuilt our world.

Only after we had destroyed everything we once were, did we see that the past is never going to change, the future is not here yet, and all we have is now. Seven seconds of dreams, seven seconds of birth, seven seconds of death. For this we are living and dying simultaneously. For this, we realized that to love rather to hate is all we had to do to live. To understand is all we needed to reconcile. To be honest and true is all we needed to come together.

To evolve, spiritually. For harmony to be a reality.

I used to live each day like it was my last. Without any hesitations, I would just do the things I wanted to accomplish. Some people may have even seen me as impulsive.

I miss those days. I miss being impulsive, even somewhat reckless. I felt alive. There was never enough time in a day for me to do all the things I wanted.

Now, I fight myself to get through the day. I have to wrestle myself out of bed and smooth talk myself into getting up for work. Something like taking a shower feels like running a marathon.

Depression is a twisted form of punishment. Not that I mean depression is a consequence to any action. It just feels like a punishment.

Like a leech attached to my soul. Like a wound that doesn’t want to heal. It’s unrelenting and unforgiving.

“Life is tough”, is something I heard a lot when I was young and would complain about something trivial and it is true. When I step back and take a picture of my life, I see all the good and I know my life is a good one, but it isn’t enough to pull me out of this haze.

Depression is like riding your bike into a headwind that doesn’t want to go away. It is like a black hole at the center of your body that is constantly reminding you of its existence. Depression is like that devil on your shoulder whispering bullshit in your ear.

I never understood what some people had to complain about. How someone could just be sad all the time. I had bad days of course, but would just push on through to the other side. I know now the demons that can haunt us. Their ability to suck the joy, the passion, the empathy, the love out of our lives.

It is no joke. Depression casts this dark veil over our eyes that makes us see the world through a smokescreen of lies. Lies that are fed to us, to bring us down. Some days it is near impossible to ignore it and the best thing we can do is crawl under the bedsheets.

I know not to judge others, but it is tough not to judge myself. I have support from a lot of people, and for that I am thankful. I still haven’t given up on the light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone needs support, some more than others. It’s why it is so important to treat everyone with respect and kindness. The little gestures can go a long way for some.

I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing this, I just am and that makes me feel happy. To do something on a day I didn’t think I’d be able to accomplish anything at all.