Don’t be late

To continue learning is crucial to healthy development. To nourish the mind flower so that it may blossom into something beautiful. To keep those eyes open at all costs and be in constant union of what is really being said and what is written on the page.

To be neither living nor dying, though to be.

What state of being can this be? To allow life to live while forgiving death’s intrusive nature.

To die before death.

Be inviting to those who do not know themselves for within you they will see.

To breathe in and out of the air, unmoved and unshaken by the mountains. To accept the terror of the world knowing peace is within.

To encapsulate your existence so that you may better explain yourself. It is hard.

For the one who is, was and always will be.

 

Take That, Crime! You shit!

Today marks the end of the strange limbo this year and the beginning of something fantastic. I had finished my classes back in May and was supposed to have finished my internship by the end of June, though the cosmos had another plan for me.

I originally had been placed into an internship that was not a good match for my personality and my goals. This place felt archaic, or stunted by a malady of old thinking and striving for capitalistic goals.

It was I that believed differently. That we must push past and see the world for what it is before being able to find a home. “The world as we know it” is a strange phrase. Mostly, this is entirely a subjective matter in which the person interprets the world. There are some universal truths that are commonly accepted to form somewhat of a loose idea of what the world may look like in general, or what the state of the world may be.

With saying that, the world as we know it is changing at a rapid pace. It is hard to know where one stands when the Earth is clearly rejecting us, and us rejecting the Earth. The state of balance, the homeostasis of life has been tilted too far.

I’ve always been a large proponent of truth. Telling the truth and searching for truth in others. It is what our world needs. This new opportunity that I have been given will allow me to do just that. I find it quite fitting.

I wrote a poem a long while back that was mistaken by someone for racism. It is called “The SHAM”. I still do not entirely understand their thinking, but it is not true. That poem was about lies and the falsehoods we fall into, the masks we wear, and the cover up of the truth and how the truth is ultimately revealed.

“Always tell the truth”, I was told as a child. Even if I’d done something bad, it was always important to tell the truth. I learned quickly that not everyone takes this to heart while it appears most people tend to tell versions of the truth or half truths, exaggerated truths. The truth can be bland, sometimes disappointing or hurtful but it is true none the less.

It is so important to be true. Not only to others but yourself. Some things in life have to be done. You have to understand the difference between the things you can change and that which you cannot. It is important to tell the truth because in the end it is all we are faced with.

So here I am, doing just that. I will be tasked with exposing lies. Shining light upon the dark corners of the world. Revealing truths that people try so hard to cover up. I know this is one way in which I can help.

I will be working with a digital forensics group. Investigating and revealing evidence that will expose the true nature of intentions. I will take it to heart to stay honest and true to my nature.

 

Peas and Carrots

Well, the time is almost here. I’m about to become a father.

I try not to think about it too much because I find it quite engrossing.

Though here I am, thinking about it. Wondering mostly. I wonder things like what will he find interesting, my son? What will be the colour of his eyes? What will he think of the role models in my life? I wonder what he will think of life? What music he will like? What type of thinker he will become? What will his learning style be like? Most importantly, will he like unicycles?

I am excited to become a father for many reasons.

Not only will it be beautiful to watch life unfold in front of me, I also get a chance to find the child again within myself.

I think it is fairly common for people to “grow up” and forget the child within them. It has definitely happened to me to some extent.

To find that silliness in life again is a gift of the gods.

I am excited to see his first smile and hear his first laugh. I am excited to watch him walk, fall, and get back up. I am excited to hold him when he cries. I am excited to wipe his tears. I am excited to read to him. I am excited to hold his hand when we go for walks. I am excited to listen to him speak and I am excited to hear what he has to say.

Not so much looking forward to getting pooped, peed, and puked on!

I used to tell people I never wanted to get married and that I never wanted kids. It was just not true. I was afraid to reveal my true self to other people. Being younger, I wanted to seem impenetrable, unbreakable, a never aging gargoyle that sits above, watching life happen around me, though never to me.

I was missing a piece of this puzzle that we all try to complete. I don’t think it can ever be completed, though you sure can stumble upon new pieces. It is important to keep an open mind in life. To view life from all perspectives if possible. To understand life and the cosmic connections between it all.

When we are born, we are without control, tossed into a perpetually accelerating growth. We are tossed into a world that tries to consume us. We are taught that individuality is important and that we must stand up for ourselves. What most fail to mention is that while we may seem to be one, we are actually many. What we need to learn is that you have a choice. You can become consumed by life, or you may consume life itself.

Everyone must understand the concept of yin and yang by now? More importantly, you must understand the consequence of action and significance or meaning of synchronicities in life. To be able to remove yourself from your perspective is necessary in understanding these things.

I can preach ways of accomplishing this, but I won’t. There are so many people out there that have sworn that they have found the answer, but it just isn’t true. The truth is you need to be able to do two things. You need to be able to look inside yourself, and understand what you see and feel. You also need to be able to look outside of yourself and understand what you see and feel.

So here I am, ready to welcome this bundle of life into the world.

I am excited for what he will teach me.

 

 

 

 

 

Needs Recalibration

Silence.

To take away their voice, indeed.

Sometimes it is possible to say too much.

It was their duty. Their virtue.

To castrate any expression due to an unlawful judgement.

Soul is not a synonym for the mind.

You cannot chain this so called madness.

“It is what is to be done”, they whisper.

Their callus tongues like nails on a chalk board.

“Breathe”, the mind thinks.

The body listens.

As the jacket loosens.

The thaw is here.

Silence is not peace.

Americano

Under the sleep of my eyes

The city blurs into a single concrete wall

This beautiful forest in disguise

I walk against the crowd

Tip tap along the cobblestone

These waking moments

I share alone

There is a better half of me

So deep in love, who is also alone

Way across the sea

I feel her heart beating

As with each beat, beats mine

I hear her thoughts fleeting

Our enemy is time

Dreaming

Dreaming.

Who dreams and why? Questions already answered by many actually.

Desires of our waking life, left over, unfulfilled. Contortions of our thought process and ego that are left twisted, and unsolved.

I have been dreaming a lot more recently. Usually lucid and vivid enough to remember, but not long term.

I am no good at deciphering any cause or meaning. I find them enjoyable, as confusing they may be. There is something poetic to the subconscious. It’s less than a literal process and abstract imaging is enough to create desire and passion within itself. What does it mean? What is the meaning of this twisted tongue? Our ego wants to know. Something to ponder, some meaningful message, cryptic, and coded. For what?

Where does our soul play into the dream? Does it not? Could there be a plane on which we rest, our psyche meets eye to eye with our essence? What is one who dreams and what is one who does not dream?

Aware the Bliss

Way out on the spectral beaches of the universe, your soul rides a tidal wave of emotions colliding with the earthen soils of my mind. Your presence unearths memories of a past life.

“I know you”. Whispers my soul.

“You’re the one I’ve been looking for”.

Your soul dances on the beaches of this astral plane, swirling, and twirling the beautiful thoughts of my mind below us.

“I know you”, whispers your soul

“We are the same”.

Like the flames of an open fire, deep red like that of the rose, flickers off the aura of your soul.

Touching my mind from above, I feel you are always there. The intricate veins of communication of our lives tie us together by infinity.

What was then, what is to be done, no longer hangs, for the only thing left is to be, and to be alone is not possible.

Through the circle of life and death. I will find you.

“I will always know you”. Whispers my soul as the deep blue flame of my aura licks the air around us.

We are the Earth beneath us that grounds us. We are the air around us that sails us in the only direction we know.

And for others would not know this is our reality, we are insane.

Hideaway

This past weekend was Easter long weekend.  It turned out to be quite a wonderful weekend.  The weather wasn’t the greatest for the most part of it, but the good company, food, and unexpected surprise made up for it.

We had dinner at my mom’s this year.  There were quite a few people that showed up. Mostly relatives from my step father’s side of the family.  It was nice to see them all. My sister and her husband showed up with their little boy who is absolutely beautiful.  He is just a bit older than one year and he is walking all by himself like a champ. It won’t be long before he is talking!  There was another baby, my step brother’s, who is still quite young, and has massive eyes! The kids were the center of attention for the most part haha.

As I said, the weather wasn’t the best.  It was rainy, wet, and chilly, so we didn’t get out for the hike we were hoping for.  We just hung around inside and talked while eating some delicious foods.

Now, I’m a fairly introverted character. I can hold up a conversation, but it doesn’t take long for my mind to start looking for a solitary retreat. Usually, I dip downstairs to play some pool with my cousin, or go out with the dogs for a hike. This time my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the basement and dive through my dad’s old record collection.

Records are a thing still, if you didn’t know haha. I have a small collection of my own. Some Elton John, Alan Parsons Project, Genesis, Procol Harum, and some others. Here, in his dusty old collection we found some real gems.  Tons more Alan Parsons and Elton John. We found some Prince, Fleetwood Mac, Michael Jackson, and Eagles to name a few. Now my collection is much larger!

My girlfriend works at a record store, and she was amazed by the collection. Not just by what it would be worth, but the choices he made. My dad had some good taste in music. I couldn’t let the records sit in the basement untouched, so I asked my mom if she would be okay with me taking some. It was easy to compile a stack of about 20 albums to take home.

I do wish my dad was still around, and it is nice to have something like this to remember him by. He always had great music playing in the house. It was one thing we were able to bond over.

I’ll never forget the day he sat me down to play Alan Parsons Project: Tales of Mystery and Imagination for me. I was probably about 18 years old and it blew my mind. It blew my mind not only because it is a fantastic album, but because he didn’t ever talk much about himself and this was a new way of getting to know him better.

Needless to say the weekend turned out to be a good one that I’ll never forget. I have lots of wonderful memories, and a bunch of “new” music to listen to. I always wished my girlfriend could have met my dad, so this was an awesome way to introduce her to a part of his life, together.

Break-Oct 14/18

This year has been interesting to say the least.  Early on in February, I admitted myself to the hospital into the psychiatric ward.  I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on with me, but I figured I would find some answers there.

For the couple weeks leading up to my visit at the hospital, I began experiencing psychological distress which led up to a full psychotic break with reality, or existential crisis. I was having an extremely difficult time concentrating, often repeating myself or tasks.  I experienced manic depressive-like episodes and was unable to control my emotions, tearing up and crying for what appeared to be no reason.  I began having paranoid thoughts about others, and myself.

It was the night before I admitted myself that things got really bad and started to feel like I was losing control.  For the first time, I was having an extremely difficult time distinguishing what was real and what was only part of my mind. At this point my thinking had become almost entirely delusional.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt fine, a little tired but otherwise normal as if nothing had happened.  I went off to work like any ordinary day.  Then something happened again.  I entered a manic like state of elation and the delusional thoughts started all over again. I thought I could see the future.  I thought I was creating some elaborate plan that would propel me into the future, into a new world.

I left that night, leaving a note for my boss and not just any note – crazy talk to say the least. Looking back and reading it, I was clearly not of sound mind.  That night, I got home and was completely deluded with elation.  I thought my plan was set in motion. I started dancing with my dog. I believed I could teach him to speak, and walk on his back legs like a human.  I started to believe I was going to go to sleep and wake up in a new world.

It wasn’t until I started to come down from this high that I realized how alone I was, and the paranoia crept back in.  I could feel the fabric of my reality ripping away around me.  I could feel the spirits whirling through the air. I told myself I knew this moment would come, and they were here for me now.  I believed someone was coming for me, and that they were in my house.

This is the night I called the paramedics and admitted myself into the hospital.  During the ride to the hospital, my elated mood returned.  I believed I had a message for the world, and these paramedics were going to help me deliver it.  Everything was set in motion.

Once I arrived at the hospital, the paranoia and delusional thinking returned full force.  I believed this was some sort of game and everyone was in on it but me.  I thought this was some type of cruel joke, as I sat in this crappy, run down hospital room.  My emotions got the best of me. I broke down in tears multiple times, and could hear the voices of my parents.  I experienced delusion after delusion as if fear had taken over my mind as to what would happen to me.

The swirling chaos in my mind was almost too much to handle.  When the nurse came in to ask me some questions, I started to believe that I had done something horrible and blocked it from my memory.  Did I hurt someone? I questioned myself, and persecuted myself for a multitude of unreal scenarios conjured by my mind. “I’m a psychopath aren’t I and I have done something really bad” is what I thought to myself.

Life

What is life?

What is it?

Life is a carbon molecule. Life is the birth of a child. Life is the dandelions sprouting from the Earth. Life is sitting still, breathing. Life is an intelligence, an organism so large. Life is a butterfly blooming from its cocoon. Life helping an elder lady cross a busy intersection. Life is walking a shoreline with your feet in the water. Life is here and now.

When I close my eyes, this is what I imagine life is about. When I open my eyes, I see you looking back at me. This is life. This is water. This is a lightning strike twice in the same place. This is newborn twins. This is my heart beating for you. This is love.

Life is communication. Life is communal. Life without communication is death. The ultimate failure in communication, is death. The soul no longer in communication with the mind, is death. The mind no longer in communication with the body, is death. Death is life. It is not the end. There is no infinite darkness on your journey. There is only life. Life is death.

Believe in the infinite waters, the double helix, the yin, and the yang. Believe in the glory of each breath you take. Believe in the forgiveness of others, of yourself. Believe in love. Believe in life.

Close your eyes and imagine nothing, you can’t. What is it you are imagining? What is it you are dreaming? Life. It is all you know, because that is all that belongs. The universe recycles all energy, and you are pure energy.

Imagine inner peace. Paint a picture in your mind of what inner peace looks like. Close your eyes, slow your heartbeat, let yourself breathe the air, and imagine. Peace of mind.
I imagine a landscape, with a sunset. I see a forest of flowers casting their shadow upon the Earth. I see birds flying over the horizon, and a pond filled with life. I see the Heavens upon the Earth. I feel you there, beside me.

This is love. This is life.