Americano

Under the sleep of my eyes

The city blurs into a single concrete wall

This beautiful forest in disguise

I walk against the crowd

Tip tap along the cobblestone

These waking moments

I share alone

There is a better half of me

So deep in love, who is also alone

Way across the sea

I feel her heart beating

As with each beat, beats mine

I hear her thoughts fleeting

Our enemy is time

Dreaming

Dreaming.

Who dreams and why? Questions already answered by many actually.

Desires of our waking life, left over, unfulfilled. Contortions of our thought process and ego that are left twisted, and unsolved.

I have been dreaming a lot more recently. Usually lucid and vivid enough to remember, but not long term.

I am no good at deciphering any cause or meaning. I find them enjoyable, as confusing they may be. There is something poetic to the subconscious. It’s less than a literal process and abstract imaging is enough to create desire and passion within itself. What does it mean? What is the meaning of this twisted tongue? Our ego wants to know. Something to ponder, some meaningful message, cryptic, and coded. For what?

Where does our soul play into the dream? Does it not? Could there be a plane on which we rest, our psyche meets eye to eye with our essence? What is one who dreams and what is one who does not dream?

Aware the Bliss

Way out on the spectral beaches of the universe, your soul rides a tidal wave of emotions colliding with the earthen soils of my mind. Your presence unearths memories of a past life.

“I know you”. Whispers my soul.

“You’re the one I’ve been looking for”.

Your soul dances on the beaches of this astral plane, swirling, and twirling the beautiful thoughts of my mind below us.

“I know you”, whispers your soul

“We are the same”.

Like the flames of an open fire, deep red like that of the rose, flickers off the aura of your soul.

Touching my mind from above, I feel you are always there. The intricate veins of communication of our lives tie us together by infinity.

What was then, what is to be done, no longer hangs, for the only thing left is to be, and to be alone is not possible.

Through the circle of life and death. I will find you.

“I will always know you”. Whispers my soul as the deep blue flame of my aura licks the air around us.

We are the Earth beneath us that grounds us. We are the air around us that sails us in the only direction we know.

And for others would not know this is our reality, we are insane.

Hideaway

This past weekend was Easter long weekend.  It turned out to be quite a wonderful weekend.  The weather wasn’t the greatest for the most part of it, but the good company, food, and unexpected surprise made up for it.

We had dinner at my mom’s this year.  There were quite a few people that showed up. Mostly relatives from my step father’s side of the family.  It was nice to see them all. My sister and her husband showed up with their little boy who is absolutely beautiful.  He is just a bit older than one year and he is walking all by himself like a champ. It won’t be long before he is talking!  There was another baby, my step brother’s, who is still quite young, and has massive eyes! The kids were the center of attention for the most part haha.

As I said, the weather wasn’t the best.  It was rainy, wet, and chilly, so we didn’t get out for the hike we were hoping for.  We just hung around inside and talked while eating some delicious foods.

Now, I’m a fairly introverted character. I can hold up a conversation, but it doesn’t take long for my mind to start looking for a solitary retreat. Usually, I dip downstairs to play some pool with my cousin, or go out with the dogs for a hike. This time my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the basement and dive through my dad’s old record collection.

Records are a thing still, if you didn’t know haha. I have a small collection of my own. Some Elton John, Alan Parsons Project, Genesis, Procol Harum, and some others. Here, in his dusty old collection we found some real gems.  Tons more Alan Parsons and Elton John. We found some Prince, Fleetwood Mac, Michael Jackson, and Eagles to name a few. Now my collection is much larger!

My girlfriend works at a record store, and she was amazed by the collection. Not just by what it would be worth, but the choices he made. My dad had some good taste in music. I couldn’t let the records sit in the basement untouched, so I asked my mom if she would be okay with me taking some. It was easy to compile a stack of about 20 albums to take home.

I do wish my dad was still around, and it is nice to have something like this to remember him by. He always had great music playing in the house. It was one thing we were able to bond over.

I’ll never forget the day he sat me down to play Alan Parsons Project: Tales of Mystery and Imagination for me. I was probably about 18 years old and it blew my mind. It blew my mind not only because it is a fantastic album, but because he didn’t ever talk much about himself and this was a new way of getting to know him better.

Needless to say the weekend turned out to be a good one that I’ll never forget. I have lots of wonderful memories, and a bunch of “new” music to listen to. I always wished my girlfriend could have met my dad, so this was an awesome way to introduce her to a part of his life, together.

Break-Oct 14/18

This year has been interesting to say the least.  Early on in February, I admitted myself to the hospital into the psychiatric ward.  I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on with me, but I figured I would find some answers there.

For the couple weeks leading up to my visit at the hospital, I began experiencing psychological distress which led up to a full psychotic break with reality, or existential crisis. I was having an extremely difficult time concentrating, often repeating myself or tasks.  I experienced manic depressive-like episodes and was unable to control my emotions, tearing up and crying for what appeared to be no reason.  I began having paranoid thoughts about others, and myself.

It was the night before I admitted myself that things got really bad and started to feel like I was losing control.  For the first time, I was having an extremely difficult time distinguishing what was real and what was only part of my mind. At this point my thinking had become almost entirely delusional.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt fine, a little tired but otherwise normal as if nothing had happened.  I went off to work like any ordinary day.  Then something happened again.  I entered a manic like state of elation and the delusional thoughts started all over again. I thought I could see the future.  I thought I was creating some elaborate plan that would propel me into the future, into a new world.

I left that night, leaving a note for my boss and not just any note – crazy talk to say the least. Looking back and reading it, I was clearly not of sound mind.  That night, I got home and was completely deluded with elation.  I thought my plan was set in motion. I started dancing with my dog. I believed I could teach him to speak, and walk on his back legs like a human.  I started to believe I was going to go to sleep and wake up in a new world.

It wasn’t until I started to come down from this high that I realized how alone I was, and the paranoia crept back in.  I could feel the fabric of my reality ripping away around me.  I could feel the spirits whirling through the air. I told myself I knew this moment would come, and they were here for me now.  I believed someone was coming for me, and that they were in my house.

This is the night I called the paramedics and admitted myself into the hospital.  During the ride to the hospital, my elated mood returned.  I believed I had a message for the world, and these paramedics were going to help me deliver it.  Everything was set in motion.

Once I arrived at the hospital, the paranoia and delusional thinking returned full force.  I believed this was some sort of game and everyone was in on it but me.  I thought this was some type of cruel joke, as I sat in this crappy, run down hospital room.  My emotions got the best of me. I broke down in tears multiple times, and could hear the voices of my parents.  I experienced delusion after delusion as if fear had taken over my mind as to what would happen to me.

The swirling chaos in my mind was almost too much to handle.  When the nurse came in to ask me some questions, I started to believe that I had done something horrible and blocked it from my memory.  Did I hurt someone? I questioned myself, and persecuted myself for a multitude of unreal scenarios conjured by my mind. “I’m a psychopath aren’t I and I have done something really bad” is what I thought to myself.

Life

What is life?

What is it?

Life is a carbon molecule. Life is the birth of a child. Life is the dandelions sprouting from the Earth. Life is sitting still, breathing. Life is an intelligence, an organism so large. Life is a butterfly blooming from its cocoon. Life helping an elder lady cross a busy intersection. Life is walking a shoreline with your feet in the water. Life is here and now.

When I close my eyes, this is what I imagine life is about. When I open my eyes, I see you looking back at me. This is life. This is water. This is a lightning strike twice in the same place. This is newborn twins. This is my heart beating for you. This is love.

Life is communication. Life is communal. Life without communication is death. The ultimate failure in communication, is death. The soul no longer in communication with the mind, is death. The mind no longer in communication with the body, is death. Death is life. It is not the end. There is no infinite darkness on your journey. There is only life. Life is death.

Believe in the infinite waters, the double helix, the yin, and the yang. Believe in the glory of each breath you take. Believe in the forgiveness of others, of yourself. Believe in love. Believe in life.

Close your eyes and imagine nothing, you can’t. What is it you are imagining? What is it you are dreaming? Life. It is all you know, because that is all that belongs. The universe recycles all energy, and you are pure energy.

Imagine inner peace. Paint a picture in your mind of what inner peace looks like. Close your eyes, slow your heartbeat, let yourself breathe the air, and imagine. Peace of mind.
I imagine a landscape, with a sunset. I see a forest of flowers casting their shadow upon the Earth. I see birds flying over the horizon, and a pond filled with life. I see the Heavens upon the Earth. I feel you there, beside me.

This is love. This is life.

Memories

The clock on the wall

Has stopped ticking

These moments share no time

This gift you give to me in memories

Though in time I’ll give you mine